Introducing me!
Subject: Self-introduction and Goal Setting
Dear Prof Brad,
I am Ahmad
Amzar, a year 1 student in your effective communication class. My intention of
writing this email is to introduce myself. Having graduated from Ngee Ann
Polytechnic with a diploma in Mechanical Engineering, specialised in Automotive
and Motorsport. Currently I am pursuing my studies in mechanical engineering, Singapore
Institute of Technology (SIT).
To be frank, I
have as little to no experience working in the engineering sector. However, I
do share a large interest in the world of automotive. I take great pride and
joy in my hobby of repairing, restoring and also modifying of motorcycles using
knowledge gathered from my previous course and skills attained from friend’s
workshop. All of this has led me in hopping on board this programme which in
return will aid me in widen my views towards engineering.
Unfortunately,
one setback is that I dislike reading. The lack of vocabulary can be shown in
conversations or any other form of communication. This has resulted in me
having low self-esteem as I have difficulties expressing myself.
On the plus
side, I do have a good listening ear to my circle of friends be it sharing joy
or sorrow. I truly understand hearing beyond the words spoken. Also, through
tone and body language I am able to share their feelings.
Having to go
through this module, my motive is to be able to communicate with utter
confidence so people can better understand me. With the skills I aim to
achieve, I could finer my active listening skills by offering feedback also
thoughtful comments. Having said that, I look for forward to your classes and
strive towards my goal in communication skills.
Regards,
Ahmad Amzar
Dear Amzar,
ReplyDeleteplease allow me to raise a couple of pointers with regards to your letter.
Vocabulary ie 'Setback' instead of 'Set back'
Verb Form & Run-on sentence ie 'I studied in Ngee Ann Polytechnic having graduated with diploma in Mechanical Engineering, specialised in Automotive and Motorsport'
Best Regards,
Aloysius
Thanks for looking out for me. I have edited accordingly.
DeleteDear Amzar,
ReplyDeleteit is nice to know more about you. Please allow me to drop a few pointers.
Use of short form ie. instead of using 'SIT', spell it out. Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT)
Vocabulary ie. use ' setback' instead of 'set back'
Best Regards,
Andy
I learned something new here. Appreciate your kindness.
DeleteDear Amzar,
ReplyDeleteYou have been a joy to work with in our effective communications class and I hope we can improve our communication skills together as a team!
Now, on to work. Honestly, the change I would make in your blog post would change "Frankly speaking, I have as little to no experience working in the engineering sector." to "To be frank, I have little to no experience working in the engineering sector. ". I see that you have avoided making the same mistakes as our blog group-mates in that we capitalize our "Best Regards".
Best regards,
Adley
Thank you very much for spotting out the mistakes I made. I have fine tuned my letter to my best.
DeleteDear Amzar,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sharing in this post. It's interesting to note that you have studied mechanical eng with a focus on motorsports and that you also repair motorcycles. Blending your current studies with your previous engineering and motorbike experience should be fun.
Your peers have given some decent feedback in terms of language use. I will add that there is one dangling modifier, in this sentence:
"Having going through this module, my motive is to be able to communicate with utter confidence so people can better understand me." Can you 'rebuild' this?
I look forward to working with your further this term.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Ahamd,
ReplyDeleteI like how you have experience working in on motorcycles in a workshop. I feel that most of our peers do not actually have this experience and this is very unique.
One thing I would like to amend in your letter would be your use of "friend's". I would change it to "friends". Friends is a plural term referring to multiple friends that you have, which is what I think, is your intended meaning. "Friend's" mean "friend is", which is what I am sure your intended meaning.
Best regards,
Adley